My Internal Presidential Debate
By Devin Baron
Moderator: Hello, and welcome to the October 16, 2023, Presidential Debate.
*Crowd Applauds*
Moderator: We’re excited to be here tonight to kick off this election season. I’d like to ask that our wonderful crowd here tonight be mindful of debate etiquette. The more respectful everyone is throughout the discussion, the more points we can cover, and the more we all benefit. My name is Brain Wrinkle, and I will be serving as our debate moderator this evening. Without further ado, let us introduce our candidates. To your left, wearing a blue tie is President Ambition, and to your right wearing a red tie, is Senator Content. Our format tonight will be as follows. Each candidate has prepared a two-paragraph opening statement. After that, we will alternate one-paragraph rebuttals back and forth. We will start with the President. President Ambition, you have the floor.
President Ambition: Thank you. Good evening. I want to start tonight by pointing out just how well this person is operating right now. Devin Baron is thriving. Since taking over four years ago, we have done exactly what we promised to do when I was elected. We have passed five short films and one music video into law, and pending House and Senate approval, we may enact our biggest, most helpful, and most exciting short film yet. We have increased movie consumption from 20 movies a year to 250 movies a year. That is a 1250% increase. Under my administration, this person has a 3.9 college GPA. Yes, a 3.9. It is a great time to live in Devin Baron. We have done nothing but work non-stop to make this person a better place. The UA Roundnet Club is flourishing.
No, it’s not.
Senator, please refrain from interrupting.
It’s not thriving. Does it even exist anymore?
Senator Content! You will have your opportunity to make an opening statement. Please refrain from interjecting into the President’s.
The UA Roundnet Club is flourishing. Our top players are better than ever, accumulating five podium finishes this past year. That is more podiums than ever before. We have attained over $2000 in club funds. That is more money than ever before. We have acquired a speaker, a popup tent, three club nets, and 42 club balls. That is more assets than ever before. These are just a few examples amongst the vast list of things we have accomplished in my four years of office. Thank you.
Moderator: Senator Content, you may now give your opening statement.
Senator Content: Thank you, Brain. I do not believe our Devin Baron is thriving right now. I believe we are experiencing the calm before the storm. There are signs all around us. Stress levels are the highest they have ever been in the history of our person. Over the last year, we have become ten pounds lighter. We were a skinny person before the Ambition Administration, but he has made us even more skin and bones. The average hours of sleep per night before President Ambition took office was at 8.1. And what is our person at now? 5.8 hours of sleep. Friendship is dwindling, both in quantity and quality. Devin Baron is set to act as a groomsman in November, but he has only had one phone call with the groom in the past 2 months. As a person, we are allocating less and less time for friends. Should we not be increasing our allocations so that we may protect the sustainability of our friendships long-term? There must be a change. Under my administration, we will cut all funds and efforts to goals. We will find the love of our life and settle down someplace quiet after graduation. We will use these funds on friends! On family! On happiness! We need to get back to the laid-back, chill vibes that this person was built upon, and I will lead us there.
Moderator: We will now move on to our rebuttal round. You will each get a one-paragraph opportunity to address the before-mentioned statements of the other candidate. We’ll start with you this time Senator Content.
Senator Content: Devin Baron is not involved in the UA Roundnet Club. We stepped down from our leadership position in the club about a year ago, and we have not been active in meetings in over three months. I actually agree with Mr. Ambition’s decision to withdraw from the organization. It is one decision I felt he really got right. With that said, I find it really strange that he stands up here tonight portraying Devin Baron’s involvement in the UA Roundnet Club as a success of his.
We’re still an active member of UARC.
We’re not an active member. One meeting three months ago doesn’t make us an active member. We haven’t paid dues. We do not participate in any fashion. He’s a liar. We have a liar leading our person, and I don’t think we want four more years of this. I don’t.
Moderator: Alright, time is up Senator Content. President Ambition, you have the floor.
President Ambition: The claim that we are not actively participating in UARC is complete baloney. And if it were up to the Senator, I imagine he just wouldn’t want us to participate in anything. He wants to operate with no purpose. Purposeless operation. That mindset will drive this person to the ground. That is a very dangerous way of thinking. If this person chooses to follow this man and follow his mindset, we will not have any short films. There will be zero podiums. We will no longer be great. We will no longer be one of the best people. We will sink and fail.
Moderator: Now back to you Senator Content.
Senator Content: That is exactly the problem with our person today.
Wanting to be great? Is that the problem?
Yes!
Wanting to be great?
Yes, exactly—
How is wanting to be great a probl--?
President, please do not interrupt.
I’d just like to know how wanting to be great is a problem.
President, you had your turn. Please refrain.
Yes, please refrain. Where did we get this sickness? And is there a specific time we’ve been great? Those short films you mentioned did not win any festivals. We’re not great, and achieving greatness is a vague, near-impossible thing to do. Let me lead this person, and we will not be one of the greatest, but I promise we will be one of the happiest.