Devin Baron - Gory Murder at University Mall

Gory Murder at University Mall

By Devin Baron

News Reporter: Good afternoon, I’m here at the University Mall, where the police are responding to a violent homicide. I stand here with Trey Gibson, a bystander at the scene of the event. Sir, can you describe for us what you saw?

Trey: Ah, yea, well I uh, I got outta my jeep here and moseyed up to come get me some hand sanitizement and maybe some candles. Shoot it takes a lotta confidence to come up to this place.

News Reporter: What do you mean by that Mr. Gibson?

Trey: Huhh?

News Reporter: What do you mean by that?

Trey: What do I mean?

*awkward silence*

News Reporter: What do you mean by “it takes confidence to come here?”

Trey: Well shit it takes a lotta confidence, I mean the damn Applebee’s is lit like it’s a David Fincher movie in there. Yknow? I mean who the hell would ever eat in there? And then you got about the stupidest thing imaginable just across from it. There’s 3 fucking pizza places right next to each other. What kinda respectable establishment allows that shit to happen? Just this scary damn mall. Ain’t no other establishment gon have 3 pizza places right next to each other, because it's fucking creepy.

News Reporter: So you’re saying it’s creepy, but you seem to know the layout of the mall very well Mr. Gibson. Do you shop here often, despite its creepiness?

Trey: Hah! Not by choice. Ain’t no Bath Body Work anywhere else though. It’s the sacrifices you make man.

News Reporter: And today a life was sacrif—

Trey: You know even the Chick-fil-A tastes bad here? I mean goddamn, how do you mess up Chick-fil-A?

News Reporter: Okay—

Trey: How do you do that?

News Reporter: Okay, let’s center our attention back on the crime scene. Where were you in relation to the incident when it happened?

Trey: Uh well like I was sayin, I came in to grab me some hand sanitizement, and my head’s a swivilin like this because it darn need to be. You never know when one of these frightenin Nightmare Alley motherfuckers are gonna decide it’s your day. And while I’ma swivilin like this, people are runnin like this—

News Reporter: Sir! Sir!

Trey: Ay follow me Mr. Cameraman!

News Reporter: Where are you going?

Trey: They was runnin’ like this. Ahhhhhhh! Ahhhhhhhh!

News Reporter: What the hell is going on?

Trey: Ahhhh! Ahhhhhhhhhh!

News Reporter: They should’ve killed me instead.

Trey: Whoo! That’s a damn workout! Aight, I’m back. What were we talkin bout?

News Reporter: Hey. Trey, can we try not to curse please? And can we stop describing the people so much? This is gonna be on a public broadcast. We want to avoid criticizing other people.

Trey: Oh, well I wasn’t criticizin em. They’re here, I’m here, everybody’s here! The evil spirit that lives up in here prolly gon get us all ‘fore too long. It’s gon be like Hereditary up in here.

News Reporter: Mr. Gibson, we aren’t looking for any talk of evil spirits. We are just asking you t—

Trey: It is evil spirits! Evil spirits and spine-tinglin motherfuckers, that’s the mall.

News Reporter: Oh my god.

Trey: Lots of normal people here too.

News Reporter: Let’s focus o—

Trey: Not Connell and Marianne, but like real life normal people, yknow, like people that got more than four teeth on em at least.

News Reporter: Let’s focus on what you relayed to the police. You said the police spoke with you as a witness?

Trey: Ah I mean I was sayin this establishment would prolly benefit from some Paul Blart action, you know with the scooter and all, but honestly Segway smegway, I’m usually tryna Segway myself on outta here as soon as I can.

News Reporter: You didn’t speak with the cops?

Trey: You know I don’t think it’d matter if there were zero people in here or one hundred-thousand people. Either way, this place creepy as hell.

News Reporter (to rest of news crew): What are we doing here?

Trey: Maybe it has somethin’ to do with the water fountains.

News Reporter: Alright, cut it cut it. This is ridiculous.

Trey: The water fountains might be the evil spirts.