You Never Thought You'd Dine Here in This Condition
By Devin Baron
Hors D’Oeuvres
Ostracized Bites
A course for when everyone hates you.
Just keep saying the right things.
You never thought this flavor existed.
You never thought you’d dine here in this condition,
winning back your character, fighting for your integrity.
You still don’t know why they took those from you.
These bites help you say the right thing, which most of the time means shutting up.
That shouldn’t be hard.
No one addresses you anymore anyway.
Served with or without our homemade hatred-towards-them sauce sprinkled over the top.
The ones with the sauce are more popular, but they do put you at risk of proving their point.
Soup
Angry Noodle Soup
A course for when you hate your father.
You hate everything about him.
The thick broth, the clumsy noodles, the fatty protein.
The people who hate you hate you because they think you have his qualities.
You hate his stubbornness.
You hate when you see his stubbornness in you.
You hate that taste in your mouth.
You hate yourself for being here.
You hate him. You hate him. You hate him.
Appetizer
Six Boneless Degenerates
A daily dose of indulgence.
These are rare cuts.
Sliced, aged in climate-controlled environments for 2-5 months.
Six boneless degenerates. Three lonely. Three frustrated.
You don’t think you’d ever punch someone to death,
but this pallet allows you to realize why murderers start to kill.
You wonder how far their victims pushed them, how tender the revenge felt.
If your thoughts aren’t half as bad as theirs,
why do you feel twice as bad as them?
Salad
Caesar’s Friends
A sororal good deed course.
Can we all agree that altruism is a bit fucked?
You must pass this plate to your sister.
It’s not for you.
You could never be a salad girl, no matter how hard you tried.
Doesn’t it feel good to share?
It shouldn’t.
Still. You are happy.
You thank her for still coming here with you.
You don’t think you could go on if she left too.
Main Course
Spicy Guarded Lamb
A go along with it plate.
Don’t eat too much.
You should be able to eat this one freely.
It is the main course.
This is dry-rubbed spice.
Dry-rubbed spice is your aura.
You always loved when they served this one.
Everyone will judge if you do not eat all the courses.
She thinks it’s best with the cranberry syrup,
but that erases the heat.
You must not speak out.
You disagree with that person, but you need that person.
Your old friends are bitter.
You must try new ones.
Pour more syrup. Pour more syrup.
Dessert
Cynical Crème Brûlée
A rock bottom dish.
Any crème brûlée is a good crème brûlée.
That’s always been your motto.
But it’s flipped now.
You realize something.
All good crème brûlées in the past
curled your stomach when they were the present.
You will look back on this dessert fondly,
but that will be misremembering.
You will not enjoy this tonight.
What if it’s not any crème brûlée is a good crème brûlée?
What if it’s no crème brûlée is a good crème brûlée?
What if that never changes?
What if it always curls your stomach?
Mignardise
Hershey Kisses with Mint Leaves
A house favorite.
You were worried no one else would be obsessed,
but he finished the plate with you.
This friend understands you.
You might start cutting the mint leaves like this at home.
So small and symmetrical.
Can you stay and eat this forever?
You don’t want to leave.
You know he’s judging you too.
You can see it deep in his eyes.
Even if he does start to distance himself, you won’t forget tonight.
You won’t forget his happiness.